Friend or Faux

adjective: faux

made in imitation; artificial, not genuine; fake or false

If you are a blogger, a Facebook page Admin, an avid reader of your friends’ Status Updates, belong to any Facebook Group or happen to engage with people on any social media platform – you’ve heard it before.  “Those people are NOT real! They are not real friends, they don’t even know you and God knows, you don’t know them. Why do you spend so much time on that damn thing?  Why don’t you go out with ACTUAL LIVE PEOPLE?” Have you ever tried to explain to someone who has absolutely no clue that cyber relationships are where you have connected to what are now some of your very best and most cherished friends? Yeah, good luck with that. I gave up years ago when my boyfriend at the time would end up in a jealous temper tantrum because I was in an AOL chatroom.

After rolling over and finding my side of the bed cold and vacant, he would stagger out, bleary eyed and still in a semi slumbered state only to find me in the wee hours of the morning laughing so hard my shoulders were quaking.  He would then admonish me. “It’s 2 o’clock in the morning, Mary, what the hell are you doing on the computer?” I finally realized he was jeaous! I happened to be attending the community college at the time and would just out and out lie and blame my late nights spent on my laptop, or as he viewed it, his competition, studying for an “oh so importartant” exam I had to take in a few hours. Eventually, I confessed my guilty pleasure to him, my AOL chatroom and the hysterically funny people I shared my insomnia with. Why I felt I had to defend myself, I don’t know. Would he have had the same reaction if three or four of my best girlfriend’s were sitting in our living room sharing some late night laughs over a bottle of wine? Of course not, they would be “real” people.

I wandered into this magical place by mistake.  I had no idea what a chatroom was at the time, I was bored and exploring the nooks and crannies of AOL.  After passing rigorous interrogation by the three or four scary women in “a room”, I was accepted into this place that accepted me sight unseen. They had no idea if I was white, black, fat, skinny, republican or democrat, old or young and none of that mattered.  We just hit it off right away! It was there we met to share our twisted stories about things that happened in the “real” world that day. To be accepted, sight unseen, where there can be no physical judgement passed seems more legit to me than many of the “real” people I meet who are vapid, condescending morons.  In the virtual world, either you fit into a place right away or you just move on somewhere else that loves your brand of insanity.  No one cares what you are wearing or how much it costs.  No one cares what time it is, day or night there’s an ear there waiting.  No one cares if you are drunk or sober, happy or depressed you are welcome with no judgement.  It never ceases to amaze me how quickly these “not real” people will jump in to support you in any way they can.  It’s quite lovely.


That was 12 years ago.  I am still friends with this group of incredible people I met in that AOL Chatroom, none of whom I have ever met.  We are all on Facebook now but just a few weeks ago, we all downloaded AOL Desktop (remember that dinosaur?) and opened the long before locked doors of our Chatroom.  We all went in and dusted, waxed, rearranged the furniture, mopped the filthy floor, cleared away the cobwebs, shined up those windows and once again and took our rightful places in our favorite old, overstuffed chairs.  We resurrected our alias names we had given each other and haven’t skipped a beat dishing out our snarky, judgemental comments for the inexperienced “roomless” wanderers who happen into “our” room.  Like me, when I aimlessly wondered in by mistake, intense interroations take place to determine if the wanderer is room worthy or just a psycho looking to stir up trouble. It doesn’t take long for us to determine their fate, they are blessed or banished in a matter of seconds. Hilarity always ensues when one of the evicted trolls creates a new identity and tries to re-enter under false pretenses.  We all feverishly private message comparing notes as to whether or not the intruder is in fact an imposter. Then the ruling.  All judgements are final. Some stay, some are booted out the door.

best friends

How is this not real?  How are these not comparable to the relationships we have with our real life friends? For people like me who do not have the finances to drop 10 bucks a drink, which let’s face it, adds up quickly or are stuck as I was 12 years ago, living in an extremely rural place surrounded by my boyfriend’s coven, I mean family, with no one to talk to, my Internet was my connection to sanity, the outside world and more importantly, to my friends, real and “not real” friends.  I was a “city” girl living in a “stand by your man”, ultra-conservative, Christian cult located 3600 feet atop a mountain.  I am about as far from a “mountain woman” as you can possibly get.  I spoke my mind, (What? You can’t do that, you’re just a woman!), dressed how I pleased, short skirts, high heels, red lipstick, yeah, rockin’ my DC roots (Wait, you can’t do that either, only overalls or granny skirts allowed, we embrace the Amish look here!)  Soon, it started.  I was told by my “man” that I needed to tone that down, dial it back a little…. huh?  Not happening.  The look on the left, I don’t think so!   The picture on the right was much more me in my 40’s.  I was a big hit at family reunions up there, let me tell you!


I can tell you, hell hath no fury than a city girl being forced to listen to country music 24/7 and having to keep my well educated trap shut hearing phrases such as, “Yup, Bucktooth Johnson’s roof done blowed off last night!”  WHAT???  Blowed??  Oh, dear God, shoot me now.  “I done caught me a two pound “feesh” down to the “crick” yesterdee.  Ma done fried her up iffin ya want some.”  Oh, and did you hear, “Ol’ Jake Taterhead done got throwed in jail for a DUI last night! Shoot, him’s a good ol’ boy, reckon?”  WHAT in the ever living hell and the Sweet Baby Jesus is that?

Now, if you are from the country don’t get your panites in a crusty wad!  I’m not judging, I just did not fit in as you can imagine.  They listened to me speak and laughed just as hard.  “Why yu’uns talkin’ that way?” Wait, what?  My “man” informed me that behind my back (and in his presence) they thought, ‘she just talks that a way cuz she thinks she’s sumpin’!  She’s high feelin’!”  I found out from my Stand By Your Man Dictionary that ‘high feelin’ meant I thought I was better than everyone else.  My boyfriend acted as ther inerpretor most of the time until I finally got a bit more fluent in Bumf*ck terminology.

In my own defense, he had left the area for years after joining the military and was the only one in the family well spoken and wise in the ways of the world so we did have a connection.  That being said, you know the saying ,  “You can take the boy out of the country but not the country out of the boy?” yeah, he soon fell back into his backwoods country philosophies and unwisely thought I should and would conform to the country way of life.  I looked at him after yet another round of battle and said, “Reckon?  Well, reckon this.  That front door right there just blowed open and this girl is outta here!!!”  No wonder I travelled the roadways of the Internet to find my rightful place in a room full of non judgemental people that made me laugh til my sides ached!!

I left there not long after finding this group of amazing women, they supported me and encouraged me to leave “Green Acres”.  I packed up my laptop and all of them with it (another plus of “not real” friends, they are portable!) and when I finally returned to my world, they were right there with me.

not sucking

I am fortunate that I have found this same comradery in a couple of Groups on Facebook who are now also among those I call friends. Real friends. It isn’t all fun and games. We share our hardships and heartbreaks, our battles and break-ups, depression and discouragement and our melancholy and madness. I have no doubt in my mind that were I to need something or found myself in some kind of trouble, that these “not real” people would come to my aid, my rescue in any way shape or form. I have seen this play out numerous times when someone in the Group facing a serious but temporary hardship is encouraged to start a Go Fund Me page and within days, sometimes thousands of dollars are raised to help this friend out of the jaws of despair and into the light again. No one questions where the money went or asks to see receipts or tangible proof the money was spent for that one specific purpose, we trust and believe in that person knowing were the tables turned they would reach deep into their pockets to help any one of us.

Without them, I wouldn’t be writing.  Without them, I wouldn’t have started this blog, a place for me to share myself, store myself and leave a little bit of myself here for my friends, family or children to come back to if they forget who their friend was, their sister was or their mom was should I leave before them.  I spend more time here in this virtual world than I do with my life long friends I grew up with.  I love them, too, more than words can say, for they have also encouraged, loved and laughed me through some of the worst times of my life.  The difference is that I can’t always go where they go and do what they do.  What I can do is open this laptop, click a few buttons, walk through a door and enter a place filled with people who know me, who I am and greet me with a cheerful emoticon or comment making me feel welcome no matter how often I’m there or how long I’ve been gone. I am honored to be in their company, whether it’s in my AOL chatroom or the Groups I am a part of on Facebook, I am proud to call them friends and would do anything for any one of them.

fb friends

I am fully and painfully aware that some people in my life think that I’m addicted to my virtual world and perhaps that’s true, perhaps they are right but hey, that’s fine with me.  To them I say, reckon me this? How is it that music you hear through ear buds or computer speakers moves you, stirs you, makes you weep tears of joy or sadness when you listen and yet no “real” physical person is singing it to you?  How is it you can sit in a pew in your choice of religious or spiritual arena and believe so devoutly in something you cannot see or touch in front of you?  My virtual friends are as important to me as my “real” friends.  Both give me love and support, both make me laugh and cry and both are always there when I need them.  So, what is it that makes these Internet friendships so real you can almost feel a hand reach through your screen and wipe your tears away or a hug so tight you don’t want to let go?

It’s the connection.  The connection to that which makes us feel a part of something, a belonging, a comfortable place to put your feet up and sip on your drink.  I thank my lucky stars every day for that connection – my Internet Connection.  It has led me to some of the most amazing people I could ever hope to know.  I’m done defending myself to people who don’t understand.  I don’t waste time on people that don’t understand me or at least try to.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an “un-real” cocktail party to get to and guess what?  I’m wearing my pajamas to it!!!


Faux?  Made  in imitation; artificial; not genuine; fake or false.

I prefer the antonyms…Authentic, genuine, real, natural and sincere.



4 thoughts on “Friend or Faux

  1. There’s something freeing when you become friends with someone behind the screen. Someone you don’t know physically but who accepts and loves you because of who you are and what our beautiful and witty brains offers.

    They’re there during our bad times and good and do not care if we are in our jammies or rocking a tiara-they just love us for who we are truly for who we are on the inside.

    ❤ this Mary and I’m glad I’ve gotten to know you.


  2. This is great Mary! I don’t belong to any chat rooms, but as you know I do admin a Facebook page. My sense is that many people are more honest in these environments – the social media ones – because they are not being looked at, not having to worry what people think of them, their mannerisms, their foibles! They can say (write) what they think, speak their mind and allow some of their protective walls to come down – hence more honesty.
    It becomes a very interesting place. It would be interesting to know whether meeting in person, after getting to know each other on-line, creates a better foundation for friendship than meeting for the first time in person (with the walls up).


  3. I so agree with you, Ed. I know several people that have taken the plunge and met personally and from what I have heard from them, it was a very positive experience. I imagine it is very interesting to think about, as you pointed out, to meet for the first time after becoming so close with no walls to climb over and whether that makes it a stronger bond! I am hoping we meet soon, hahaha, we have become good friends on here so I guess we can put it to the test! Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting and give your lovely wife and all your healers a big hug from me!!!’


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