Fantasy Football

Sunday. The day where all things get done so that I can watch FOOTBALL!  Sadly, now that Super Bowl has come and gone, I will have plenty of time on Sunday to get all things done.

I am a Washingtonian, born and raised, hence, a Redskin’s fan.  Naturally, that means that I drink quite heavily.  Being a Redskin’s fan is difficult at best.  It’s really hard to talk smack about other teams when your team wins a whopping 4 games the entire season. Although I can come up with a million reasons to tell you why the team is so fractured (literally) it still does not change the miserable outcome of our last few seasons.

Still, I love football.  I love it for so many reasons. I love the pageantry of it all, the crazed masses, the roaring of the crowd increasing in volume, louder and louder as the home team enters the field through a haze of smoky mist. I love that the game makes sense to me. I love dissecting the plays and screaming at the coach for running the ball up the middle, AGAIN, when the last two times didn’t work!  Mostly I love that it is NOT basketball.

I am thankful for a patient son who has taken time to not only explain things to me in a way I can understand (I have lots of questions sometimes) but somehow does it in a very exuberant and delightful way.  I think it is because he’s glad his mom likes football.  We talk a lot about the games, different plays,bad calls and the incredible athletic feats of the Gladiators that entertain us for hours on that one fantastic day that is Sunday.

I have come to realize that like me, many other women like football.  The stats are pretty amazing actually.

“Women make up an estimated 45 percent of the NFL’s more than 150 million American fans and have become perhaps pro football’s most valuable players. Female fans, a group beloved by advertisers, represent the league’s biggest opportunity for growth. Keeping these women spending has become a chief goal of the NFL, which has funded research, expanded merchandising and sponsored spreads in women’s magazines.”    – –   The Washington Post  September 27, 2014

But why?  Why do women love football so much?  I think I speak for a lot of women when I say that while I do enjoy the actual game of football, watching 22 hulking, bicep bulging, brawny, beastly Gladiators smashing into each other with the force of a Cat 5 hurricane in those oh so incredibly tight uniforms is quite electrifying.

I did a little research on my FB page Sassy Lassie and found I was far from alone in my great admiration for the lust thought provoking visuals we women have come to enjoy on Sunday afternoons!

While Fantasy Football means one thing to the millions that play the actual game ‘Fantasy Football’, it takes on a completely different meaning for those of us women who love to let our minds wander into the depths of depravity.  I asked my women Sassy followers who their fantasy football player was, which penalty they would like called and where they would want the infraction to occur. These were the choices:

  1. Unnecessary roughness
  2. Unsportsmanlike conduct                                                              official
  3. Taunting
  4. Holding
  5. Illegal use of hands, arms or body
  6. Roughing the passer

Here is a small sampling of the results:

Unnecessary Roughness -Eric Decker – mile high club

(Could also be Brady Quinn, Brian Urlacher, Garrett Hartley, Todd Sauerbrun…..)

Illegal Use of the Hands  – Clay Matthews – in a restaurant

Unsportsmanlike Conduct – Clay Matthews – on the field

Holding – Tom Brady –  hotel hallway wall

Roughing the Passer – Clay Matthews – being held up against the wall

Illegal use of Hands Clay Matthews, locker room.shower…ooooohhhh yeah

Unnecessary roughness – Colin Kaepernick on a semi-secluded beach…

Unsportsmanlike Conduct – Colin Kaepernick – restaurant bathroom

 Holding  – Clay Matthews –  in the shower

Taunting  – John Harbaugh – anywhere

Illegal Use of Hands – Tom Brady –  against the wall, any wall

It seems Clay Matthews is the winner of the Who Is Your NFL Fantasy Football Player and with good reason.  Let’s take a look shall we?

clay matthews

Second runner up:  Colin Kaepernick.  He definitely deserves a pic post!

kaepernick

And we may as well take a peek at Eric Decker as well, right?

decker

Tom Brady – love him or not, he’s definitely hot

tom brady1

Some women are every bit as informed as men about football, its rules, penalties, regulations, players, coaches, etc and I admire that. It isn’t just a “man’s” game as evidenced by the recent statistics.  Women haven’t been considered fragile, eyelash batting, ‘playing dumb to impress their man’ fans for many years now, thank goodness.  We LOVE football.

However, even the most astute female football fan will tell you that there are definitely perks to learning, watching and discussing football, enhanced greatly by the fact that we can enjoy extra slow motion replays to our heart’s content.  Our heart’s content – the content in a woman’s heart viewing football is definitely different than that of a man’s.  No woman will ever convince me that drooling over watching these amazing, incredibly athletic warriors isn’t part of THEIR game!

And to take it one step further, what is it about these He-Men Hulks that reduce us women to lustful, wanton, wayward, weak kneed, wet pantied, hoping to be “taken” quivering tweens?  Nature?  Survival of the fittest being played out before our very eyes on a 64″ TV screen?  Surely that is part of it.  When I asked other women why their fantasies seemed to center around being overpowered in a frenzy of passionate urgency they all said the same thing in different ways.  The thought that their fantasy manbeast not only chose her over all others, he had to have her NOW, right NOW, no matter where they were or who may be watching was deliciously sexy.  Women fantasize about a lot of things but most of us have a common fantasy theme – that of being “taken”, the feeling of powerlessness under the weight of it all, the weight of him.

The same applies to the ‘Fireman Rescue Fantasy’ which is really the same fantasy with a different setting; being powerless and needing that gritty, axe wielding, uniformed hulk to literally storm through fire to rescue us and only us, risking life and incredibly muscular and perfectly toned limb to sweep us up, totally helpless, weakened and frail (I said frail, not dead, trust me, we’re wide awake for this action) and return us to safety.  It’s all about the power of man over woman. Yes, I know all the women libber’s out there are reeling in their high heels and ready to hurl their briefcases at me but trust me, not a one of them would turn down a steamy hot rescue or being thrown up against the wall in a public place, overpowered and overwhelmed physically by a fantasy worthy man person!!!

rescue me

Happily, we don’t have to wait for a fire rescue scenario, that might never happen without A LOT of pre-planning and I don’t care what type of hair you have or which hair products you use, none can hold up to all that heat.  Plus, they are probably all highly flammable and just the visual (burned, smoldering, frizzled hair! have you ever smelled burning hair? would your fantasy man rescue you with a patchy, bald, smoldering dome?) extinguishes even the hottest fire rescue fantasy.

All we need do is tune in each Sunday to watch our fantasy men push, shove, tackle and pound their beastly chests for hours on end.  It’s a tasty, tantalizing smorgasbord of testosterone served up hot and steamy every weekend.

football catchfootball pic1

Sadly, we now only have our fantasies to get us through many long and lonely months until our hero’s return to the field. We will endure a long, hot summer while we wait but you’ll know when it’s time. That chill is in the air, the leaves are dropping to the ground and squirrels are acting like complete idiots with their nut finding and hiding activities. When you hear those words, “You better grab your jacket, it’s chilly out” your heart and step quicken a bit and if you listen closely, you’ll hear the not so far off sounds of High School bands playing and those garbled but familiar words pouring out of their crappy PA system…..yeah, it’s Friday night and the lights are on!  Grab a hot weener and a cold brewsky (careful on the weener grab) find a seat that’s not covered in gum and plant your keester in it.  It’s back!!!

Fantasy Football.  It’s the perfect mix of the two words.  Football and Fantasy and it’s a winning combination!

1st down, 2nd and 8, 3rd and goal, TOUCHDOWN!!!  He’s in…….

touchdown

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12 thoughts on “Fantasy Football

  1. I loved, Loved, LOVED this so much! Football is also one of few times my hubs & I get to connect after a long week practically apart from each other! We only see each other in passing with just enough time to clue the other in on financial issues & child-rearing updates, so there’s something real magical about us being able to watch a game side by side, talk passionately about the same topic, share opinions, stats, & commentary, & go through the rush of game play induced emotions together. I just had to reblog this as well as share on my page because you nailed this!

    Like

  2. I like the pun on the “fantasy” part and really enjoy the way in which you draw a picture of the players of a sport that is watched by so many for so many reasons. Thanks! well written and exciting to read! I am a huge baseball fan (as you know) so I am always entertained until football returns, but when you describe it like this it makes it even more inviting. Fifty Shades of Gray has nothing on you, SassyLassie!

    Like

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