THE PATRIOTS BALLS – BALL UPDATE!!!

Only one ball was deflated by a full two pounds.  Those are some big balls!

Several other balls were found to be roughly one pound deflated.  One pound?  Still, big balls!

The one saggy ball is in the capable ball holding hands of the NFL so they can further investigate said saggy ball.

Footage exists of an “elderly” employee trundling off  to the stadium bathroom <ewww> before the game for about 90 seconds!

grumpy balls

An elderly person can do a lot of damage to balls over that period of time!  “90 SECONDS IS A LIFETIME!!!!” This crotchety old coot could have punched the balls, he could have kicked the balls, he may have even sucked the air right out of those balls!!  Elderly people are sneaky bastards, I know, I am one!

Roger Goodall has not yet determined whether the Patriots are guilty of deflating their own balls or not.  As you can see below in my original post, I implored Commissioner Goodall to inspect and handle each and every Patriot ball himself for close examination and weight evaluation.

I still maintain my theories below, mainly, leaving a single man or a group of men in charge of their own ball/s is a huge ball mistake. There is not a man out there that can tell me that he has never touched his ball/s when he was not supposed to, especially when preparing for an afternoon of football!!

Let’s review my incredibly astute, profound and totally accurate ball review from before Super Bowl, shall we?

1. Men cannot be responsible for their own balls.

2. Everyone knows balls shrink when it’s cold.

3. Why doesn’t the Ref keep all the balls in his very own ball sack?    ref with ball

4. Unsupervised balls are going to get “manipulated” because men cannot resist playing around with their own balls.

5. The Ref holds all the teams’ balls almost as much as the men do, why didn’t the Ref notice that the balls were smaller while squeezing them?

6. Apparently, Tom Brady likes his balls softer so he can get a better grip on them. Other QB’s like their balls firmer when they go to grip them. Obviously, men cannot be expected to play by the rules when it comes to the proper way to grab their balls.

I think Brady has a great ball grip!

brady with ball

In conclusion, I think a woman should be in charge of all the balls.

Women know how to handle balls in any situation. A woman would know immediately upon holding any ball or balls if they are bigger than they normally are, or smaller than they normally are.

Women know how to handle wet balls, dry balls, big balls, little balls and how to arrange them properly and in an orderly fashion in a ball sack.

Men only know how to PLAY with balls. Women, on the other hand know how to HANDLE balls.

The balls of the world belong to women, duh!

trust balls

Super Bowl Sunday is coming. Give these men their balls and let them play with them! It’s all they want to do! They have been playing with balls all their lives to get to this final Battle of the Balls!

Please, Commissioner Goodall, I implore you, get down and dirty and check all the teams’ balls yourself. Inspect them carefully. Hold each and every single ball in your hands!!! And for God’s sake, after you have checked each and every single fucking ball, put a WOMAN in charge. All women are qualified to be an Official Ball Inspector so just pick one and get on with it!!

I rest my balls, I mean case.

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