Don’t Believe Everything You Think

Oh, I’m so sorry, am I ruining your Easter by being “depressing”?  Well, I’m not sorry. I want you to wake up and take a good look around yourself.  If you are celebrating the resurrection of Christ, think about what he taught, what he REALLY taught, love, compassion, helping one another.

If you are not Christian and celebrating in another way or not celebrating anything in particular, take time to look around you and the people you love and more importantly, the people you may not know that well but you know you saw something in them that made you uncomfortable, transported you back to somewhere you don’t want to be anymore.

DON’T look away.  Help that person.  They may say they are ok, they may look like they are ok but you know, don’t you?  You know they aren’t but you don’t want to “intrude” or make that person “uncomforable” or maybe you’ll wait and do it tomorrow when you have more time.  The time is now!  You know, that person who is alone?  That person who never comes to family gatherings?  Call them!  Just. Call. Them.

Content Warning:  Contains disturbing content; abuse; depression

I can’t do this anymore.  This is a prison and I need to get out of here.  You have got to help me now.  I cannot keep this a secret for you, it’s not my job!  You are older than I am, the weight of it is literally crushing me.  I feel my bones breaking.  I know you hear me.  You pretend that you don’t but we both know you do.  You cannot keep ignoring me.  The stress is killing us both. 

Look, you need to stop pestering me.  All your childish tantrums, whining, screaming, non-stop, 24/7 badgering has seriously got to end.  I have kids, a husband, a full time job and real life shit to deal with!  I can’t focus with your endless rants about the past!  It’s done, it’s over with, get over it and move on for God’s sake.  I can’t save you! You need to save yourself!

You left me!  You left me here in this hell alone!  I’m only a child!  You are an adult and have to be the one to figure this out.  How could you leave me here alone, abandon me, knowing what you know, what I know?  I live in a world of chaos and fear with no one to talk to, no one to help me except you and you refuse.  You push me down whenever I try to grab on to you and climb out. I get to the top of the abyss and just when my fingers feel the level surface of sanity, you come over and pry them up, stand there and watch me catapult down the ravine knowing the pain I endure, the suffering, bleeding and bruising.  You have to get your shit together!

You need to grow up!  Do you have any idea what it takes for me to keep up this façade?  Nice home, nice family, talking to neighbors I don’t even like, forcing the smiles, cooking, cleaning, trying to keep the kids and my husband happy AND work a full time job!!  It’s a wonder I haven’t lost my shit completely!  There is no one to tell, what is the matter with you?  No one will believe it, it was so long ago.  I risk everything!  I risk losing my family, my home, my job and my fucking sanity!!  No, no way. You need to crawl back in that hole, shut the fuck up and stay there!

I can’t.  You know it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t my fault. We did nothing wrong. We have nothing to be ashamed of.  It was him!  He did this to us.  He is the evil one and when you realize that, you can tell!  Find someone to talk to!  There is help out there for us! You just don’t want to deal with it.  You don’t want to face it head on because you know how fucking hard it will be to carry the weight of it like I do!  It’s time.  NOW, now is the time.  I am losing it here.  I can’t cope, I don’t have the skills.  I am not a grown up. You are.

Yeah, he did do it.  We both know that. We agree on that one.  He tortured us, he raped us, he humiliated us but that’s over and he’s dead.  Hear me? Dad is DEAD!  I buried that shit with him when they put him in his grave and I am NOT digging it back up now, not at this point in my life with so much at stake.  You just have no clue! You’re right, I am not going to tell because I am not willing to deal with sideways glances and hushed whispers when I walk into a PTA meeting or a party the neighbor is having.  No fucking way.

Ok then, I’m through.  I’m just going to let it go and when I do, that weight is going to crush the life out of us both.  I can barely breathe as it is. I’d rather be dead than live like this any longer. I mean it this time.  You better listen up. Yeah, grab those pills and try and drown my voice out!  That’s what you do.  Grab your vodka, grab your pills, play the mommy and wife game while you feel me slowly fade away with each sip you take and each pill you swallow.  You know I’ll be there when you wake up. Not this time, I won’t be waiting for you.  I am done saving you from yourself. You are talking about death and graves and I want to die. Maybe for once we are on the same fucking page.

SHUT UP!!! SHUT UP!!! God, I can’t listen to you anymore!!!  You suck the life right out of me.  I KNOW I left you, I KNOW you are alone and I AM SORRY!  I am so fucking sorry but it is the way it has to be.  You don’t think I know that churning in the pit of my stomach and the constant pounding in my head is you trying to fight your way out of that abyss??  Of course I know.  You are just a baby girl, a child and I left you there stranded and suffering.  You never got a first kiss, a first dance, a kind touch or even a moment of joy or happiness but without you holding it together, we would have both died, don’t you see that?

I have always seen it.  It is you who are just now admitting it.  Now you are feeling the weight of it.  Now you are breaking into a million pieces.  This is it. This is the confluence of two raging rivers and it’s sink or swim time.  I’m floundering, weakening and the shore is getting further and further from my reach. I’ve already let go.  And you? You’re reaching for what you have always thought was your life line, your sedation, your tourniquet to stop the flow of memories, that little brown bottle with all the answers in it.  Go ahead.  Grab it!  Take them all.  Wash them down with your cheap vodka and do us both a fucking favor.  All the times you accuse me of pulling you down?  See now?  I wasn’t trying to pull you down, you soulless bitch, I was trying to pull myself up to help you!

You know? Yeah, yeah, I get it now.  You’re right.  You really are. Why did it take me so long to hear you?  It will be a relief for us both to finally just let go of it all.  Feel it?  There it is, the free fall, the calming, the stress level dropping and sweet sedation reaching into every vessel quieting your voice.  I have always loved you for being the strong one.  I was always the coward, running everywhere but toward you, toward the truth. You are such a sweet, sweet child, I should have let you spill your guts about what that bastard did to us. Thank you for being the strong one, always the strong one.  I am drifting, floating away, I feel nothing anymore.  Do you really feel it, too? Man, it’s nice to just lay here and stop running.  It was fucking exhausting. 

I feel it, I always feel it even when I don’t want to you force it on me, your temporary escape and silence of me. I’m not fighting through it this time.  I won’t be on the other side waiting to help you keep your shit together.  I’m just laying back for once, giving in and enjoying this sedation of yours.  It is just lulling me to sleep, like a wave washing over me, washing all the pain away.  I love you but you should have saved me. You should have saved us both and you just wouldn’t ask for a fucking helping hand.  I see you now, coming down the fork of this river wild. I’m waiting. I’m sad. I never knew the world or anything in it and now it’s all going to be gone. The pain will be gone, too. It is a relief to finally just shut my eyes and drift away.

I see you, too, baby girl.  Wait for me.  I’m coming to you this time. Just wait and I’ll be there.  Here, take my hand as I float by, the water has calmed now, no more raging.  Put your hand out…GOTCHA!! Come closer to me.  Let me take care of you for once. 

Here we go, you and me. Finally together, as one.  I see the waterfall ahead, do you?  Are you scared? Are you ready? It’s too late to change your mind, my mind, we’re both drifting now, there’s no coming back.  There’s no time for rescue now.  It’s finally over. 

Yeah, I’m scared, so sleepy, baby girl. You still sound like the adult, asking me how I feel, taking care of me.  Here, lay your weary head on my shoulder and let me rock you one time, love you one time, feel you one time…don’t be scared, I’ve got you, I always did, I just didn’t know it and now it’s too late.  Will you be there on the other side? Please tell me you will be there like you always were before. Tell me, tell me NOW!!  For once I want to hear your words, tell me!!!

I’ll be there, I’ve always been there, and I will always be there.  Just let it all go now.

Just. Let. Go.

Time of death:  11:32 am.

Cause of death:  Suicide. Overdose Hydromorphone/alcohol

If you or anyone you know is suffering from PTSD, depression, domestic violence, sexual abuse, addiction or mental illness of any kind, reach out, REACH OUT!!!  There is a hand waiting to grab yours, someone to listen without judgement, someone who cares…..you deserve to have your voice heard. You deserve to be loved. You deserve life.

SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

RAINN – RAPE, ABUSE AND INCEST NATIONAL NETWORK

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