MAN-UP AND MAN-SCAPE
MEN – ARE YOU READY FOR HOLIDAY PARTIES?
One word: Dentist. When you’re at a holiday part engaging women in witty banter, the last thing you want is for them to be wondering – disgusting tartar build-up or deviled egg leftovers? Either way – ewwwww.
The dentist has tools for this very thing! Tartar can cause halitosis, infection and one-hundred-percent completely derserved isolation. Getting your teeth cleaned will not only get rid of that nauseating tartar but lighten your teeth. Did you know bad dental hygiene is now being directly linked to Nopoonyitis, a serious and chronic illness …. just sayin’.
If they are still ‘Walking Dead’ nasty after your cleaning, you have two choices – get them whitened or have someone named Daryl shoot you in the head (make sure it’s the brain or it doesn’t work).
Gentlemen, this is an easy one. Get a magnifying mirror and look inside your nostrils. If you cannot see the inside of your nose because your nostrils look like a squirrels nest/beaver lodge, there’s a simple solution – get rid of it. This can be done a couple of different ways. You can use regular grooming scissors if you have a steady hand.
If the image of Johnny Depp and/or Edward Scissorhands remotely surfaces in your brain, abort this plan immediately. Instead, buy a grooming kit. In there, you will find a nose hair clipper that is easy to use. You put a battery in, turn it to NutriBullet setting and stick it in your nostril and ‘BAM’ – it buzzes the hair right out. Make sure you check your results in the daylight to determine the unsightly (and God, it IS unsightly) nest/lodge is gone and all inhabitants with it.
The buzzer in your kit will have an attachment that works in your ears, too. However, ear hair is extremely unruly and has a mind of its own. Groom not only IN but all around your lobes and in all the ear nooks and crannies. Get that magnifying mirror and look at your ears in your bathroom mirror. Your ears should no longer look like a box of alfalfa sprouts. Oh, and make sure they’re clean while you’re at it. Did you know there’s a direct correlation between male earwax build-up and small penises …. just sayin’!
Men! Listen the hell up. Get a manicure. MAN-i-cure. You don’t need polish, duh, although it works well for rock stars but I digress. Get all those disgusting hang nails and layers of cuticle cut away so your actual nail bed shows. Let the tech clean under your nails.
We ladies do look at a man’s hands for several reasons, one of which is to see if those nails are filthy, jagged, torn or in any way threatening. If they are? Guess what, you are not getting anywhere near third base, hell, you won’t even get into the ballgame. No hot nuts for you!
Again, men, don’t be shy. You may as well have a pedi while you get your mani. You’d be amazed what your feet really look like under all that hair, toe jam and all 1/2 ” thick callouses.
And your toenails – OMG, bathing a feral cat produces less pain and scarring on our skin after a night with you! Get them shaped, filed and buffed.
You will NOT look “girly”; you will look well-groomed, you know, like you give a shit about your hygiene. Did you know studies show a direct correlation between nasty claw-hands/feet and the dreaded NMMSFYS (No More Muffin-Stuffin For You Syndrome) … just sayin’.
For the love of all that is holey (and men, you do love the holey) check yourself and your pubic plethora of funk. As a matter of fact, get that magnifying mirror and take a good, long (I’m not going to use the word “hard” here because we all know where that inevitably leads) look at your stankin’ scrotal situation, mmmmk?
Would you want to put your mouth there? I think not. Even the kindest-faced gaping-mouthed blow-up doll would commit Suicide-By-Safety-Pin to avoid that ‘inscrotalbile’ mess!
Again, if you are Eddie Scissorhand-ish, you’re better off using hedge clippers instead of scissors. At least make an effort at a worthy presentation of your joy junk. The payoff will be huge, uh, as long as you are as well …. no pressure.
Get a facial. At this point, you may as well go for the full-day-spa option. A facial scrub, some hot towels, some lotion, an avocado/chai/green tea/eye-of- newt/gluten-free/ mask and you’re on your way to being a new man.
There’s a body massage in that spa package, too. You get drinks, women doting on you for hours and leave feeling and looking better than you knew possible. This, of course, is all pointless if you haven’t passed I Can Get Dressed All By Myself 101 – no pressure.
You will LOVE the response you get, trust me, we’ll notice. You won’t be alone under the mistletoe ever again.
Merry (less hairy) Christmas and Happy Nude Year!
PS Stay away from the deviled eggs – always a risky choice and it never ends well.