Thanksgiving Poetry: Turkey, Spanx and Gin

Oh Dear Lord, it’s that time of year
When we’re forced to unite with family dear
They converge upon us one and all
Some whose faces you can’t recall

The kids are scrubbed, waxed and shined
The table is set, the turkey brined
There he stands, your husband bare
“Is this really what I have to wear?”

“YES!” you scream “Now go put it on,
the guests will be here before too long!”
“OK” he skulks, “I hate this dumb vest!”
You hear the knock of the very first guest

“You’re full bare-ass naked and they’re at the door,
Stop wagging your weenie and saying, ‘Go Thor!’
I’m wielding a cleaver with a mind of its own
And Thor might find his two ball buddies gone!”

Why are they here, it’s not even two?
They’re still a million things I have to do
Husband reenters dressed like a freak
You scream “NOT what I chose, NO SEX FOR A WEEK!”

You open the door, endure your first hug
Oh, goody, the dog’s pooped on the rug
The indoor cat has been launched outside
I don’t even care, go find your own pride

People now begin to start pouring in
(Where’d I put that bottle of gin?)
Arrive two hours early? Gee, that’s swell
“Please do come in…” (then go straight to Hell)

The house is full, the food is not ready
Another shot down just to keep myself steady
“How are you, dear, you look so tired!”
“Thanks!” (that cream in your coffee, yeah, it’s expired)

“No, I’m fine, just still lots to do…
I do love that dress!” (now buzz off you shrew)
Finally it’s time to all sit and eat
Only 7 more hours til I get to sleep

Politics, religion, why yes, do go on
Eyes to my husband (you’re mom’s Satan’s spawn)
“Hon, we need some more wine!” please fill my bucket
Before I tell your mother to suck it

I’ve had enough? I should slow down?
Where’s that cleaver, I know it’s around
Time for dessert, I’ll go fetch the pies
Wow, Spanx: I feel nothing above both my thighs!

Oh look dear the cat is outside in a panic
By the size of his eyes I’d say he’s quite manic
He may have smoked a bit of pure meth
Next person he sees will be meeting their death

Oh, look, hon, your mom, she’s taking a ‘nap’
Let me put this dear feline in her vacant lap
“No don’t you dare, she’ll never get through it!”
Guess what, don’t care, I’m going to do it!

The guests are all drunk and they’re not staying here
Call Santa, that douche bag, and get his ass here
Tell him to bring his sleigh and some gin
And make room in the coal bag for your mom to get in

I’ve had it, I’m done, that’s it, no more!
I’m now more exhausted than a three-penny whore
My Spanx are now lodged in places unknown
No dear, they’re not in my erogenous zone!

And no, you can’t help ‘get me out of this shirt
Move your hand from my tits before you get hurt!
Oh gawd, there’s you mom and the cat’s clutching tight
At this point we’re all hoping for an epic cat fight

And what to my wandering eyes should appear
Oh look, how cute, each kid has a beer!
This night is so crazy, I’m now at the point
Screw pumpkin pie, I’m lighting this joint

Thanksgiving is over, another one done
But Christmas is coming, let’s pack and run
The kids, and the cat and the dog will be fine
Just grab me my Xanax and that large vat of wine

Goodbye everyone, we may never appear
If you don’t see us by Christmas good luck and good cheer
All we can say is we owe you much thanks
“C’mon Thor, I need you to dislodge my Spanx!”

Lo!  The holidays are here, there is no way out
Remember: After 3 days they’re all rotten trout
So now I will leave you with words you can preach:

Keep your gin and your Spanx somewhere you can reach!

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